unconditional love

My boyfriend thanked me for my unconditional love. He said "if I want to know the meaning of Unconditional love, I should just learn from you and that'll be enough." No need for frilly words. A simple appreciation says it all. On the other hand, without him coming into my life, I would not have known what it was like to love like that.

cq

[Acceptance]

I sit in the darken room. Adrian has just left me. This time will be for good. You don’t understand, they cannot accept you. The words rang in my ears. Do you? Do you Addy? Is it you who cannot accept me? I can’t get the answers because you don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t get the answers because you don’t want to be with me anymore. Do you Addy?

**

The sun shines brightly, the late night had left you oblivious to the strong rays. You barely stir in your sleep, as I watch over you. I feel like your guardian angel. Watching you sleep. Every breath you take in, I feel life within you, and every breath you exhale, I feel you within me. I reach out to touch your skin, to ruffle your hair. A soft sigh escapes your lips. You sleep peacefully. You’ve said your part the night before. Yet I can’t help but worry. I can’t sleep.

You told me that it was all a mistake; you came crying to me, telling me that you want this to work. Forgive me, forgive me for making such a hasty decision, I love you. Music to my ears. I was a fool. I believed you. I wanted this so bad. Inside, I know I will crumble without you. I wanted to reject you. I wanted to inflict the pain you caused me back to you. But I couldn’t. With open arms, I took you back in. Not only because of what you said. But because I needed you too.

**

Old faces scorn at us. They shake their heads in disapproval. You held on my hand tightly. We can do this together, you declare proudly. What matters is what you feel for me and how I feel for you. Friends tell me, they won’t accept you. A white girl and a yellow skinned boy. But I believed in you. You said time will wear down their doggedness. I cannot sacrifice my future for them, my future is with you, it is ours to achieve. I look back; I ridicule myself for being so foolish, because I believed in you.

I am an alien in this country. They will never accept me. But you did. You held me up when I was down. And you loved me. At least you said you did. Why did you have to lie?

**

The second time came, as suddenly as before. Like a murderer’s axe that swiftly went for his victim’s neck, there was no warning to what you did to me. I'm sorry, I cannot give up my family for you. My heart fell. The dreams shattered. Just the day before we were building dreams. It is only now then I realized that it was nothing but a screen of smoke. How can you bear to do this to me? My throat went dry, my limbs turned cold. It was final. Why? Why, Adrian? Why love me, leave me, then hurt me? Is love that cheap an object?

I start to lose my faith in love. It cannot withstand anything. His parents’ love is not great enough to accept me. And his love for me, I spat disdainfully, is nothing but poison. Seeping through my veins, slowly overpowering me, then wanting my life.

I cheapen myself in hope of something in return. I begged. Don’t walk away. Don’t. I pled. And I cried. You had a stone for your heart. I saw the unshed tears in your eyes. In Asia, it is important that a man’s tears are shed only for his country, you once told me. But now you’ve given up the kingdom we had. You have given up the Queen you once fought valiantly for. Yet, you do not allow any drop of tear to betray the confusion you feel. Please, think it through, I begged without shame. You shook your head. You don’t understand, they cannot accept you.

**

Months went by. I feel like I’ve been trapped underwater. I move with no sense of urgency. I finally feel strong enough to face the unfriendly faces outside. I wait for a bus. Like a lost soul waiting to be picked up. The cool breeze kisses my cheek. A sight beholds me. Suddenly my eyes water again. At the corner of my eye, I see Adrian. I want to call out to him. Someone beats me to it. She has the same black hair, the same yellow skin. So this is what they mean by acceptance. Possessed, my eyes follow the couple till they were as small as a grain of sand, till my eyes could no longer hold back the tears.

**

I just wanted to say that you are the first to do this to me. To put me through this torture. And I don’t deserve it.

m.eng

waking up

he has left me. i wake up feeling empty inside, the hollowness echoes deep down. i feel my way around, out of bed, my head throbs as i hold on to it. each and every pound feels like it could knock off my head. he has left me, taking everything that belonged to me, to him, to us. i try to move to the bathroom, but i feel like i am under water, every step prolonged with difficulty. i stare into the mirror, a pasty yellowed face stares back. my eyes appear to be sunken in, dark circles round them. i can cry no more, dry and dusty, all tapped out. i try scrubbing my face using all the strength i could summon. the neighbour switches on the radio, strains of 'sad eyes' float in.

i close my eyes and listen to the lyrics of the song. the song that he loves because i have sad eyes. he says that sad eyes never lie, and i, never lied to him before. but he lied to me, he still left me in the end. i feel the anger surge within me, like a wild fire in the dry forest, raging to a state of no control.

i see glimmers of him in my bedroom, dancing with my bear, laughing to the tune of 'dancing queen'. i watch him from the bathroom door, singing at the top of his voice. but the glimmer fades before i can step towards him. i want to break down and cry again, i sit on the bowl, allowing sobs to rack my body. where is he now? will he still remember me?

his scent still lingers in the room. that is one of the things he cannot take away from me, apart from memories. i wonder if i want to think about him, coz each time i do, a sharp pain stabs me. he's the one who is turning the knife inside me, and i'm bleeding. i wonder if i can bled to death, drain of all emotions and all hurt and pain. i'm like a living corpse. i long to be with him again, long to hear his voice resonating in my ears, telling me all about his hopes, his visions, his touch on my skin, his eyes gazing into mine.

the suns shines brightly into my room as i draw back the curtains. a new day, a new beginning, a new life, all without him. the dress is laid out and i pick it up, putting it on, my heart is heavy. i decide against putting on make up, i see no point doing so. he is no longer there to see me, why should i bother. i shouldn't bother to do anything anymore. i have no purpose in my preceding activities. i urgently need to find something or someone else to concentrate on.

so that i don't have to think about why i'm forcing myself to dress up on a day when all i rather do is to hide under covers. or that it is his funeral that i am preparing for.

1454h m.eng

What is Love?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

These are verses from the Bible. It tells what true love really is. The only person who can love perfectly is God. As human beings, we are definitely imperfect. We are naturally selfish. But I am thankful that in my relationship with my boyfriend, we are very clear on one thing. We know full well that our love for each other is flawed, but the great thing is that we are able to love each other with God’s love. Not trying to be preachy here, but really, it’s so true……

Throughout the 7 years we’ve been together, we’ve gone through lots of ups-and-downs. We were young (both 20) when we started going out, we didn’t yet have the stability that is so important in relationships. But through the years, we’ve learnt many things about each other. We’ve learnt how to handle situations.

Now, 7 years later, we’re much older; we’ve sorted out many things, thrashed out lots of differences and as a result, treasure each other more deeply. Of course, I wouldn’t say that things are always rosy, we still have our conflicts, but because of the things we have learnt along the way, we always keep in mind one question: Is our relationship more important than any other selfish thought we may have? The answer is usually “yes”, and so we work towards resolving issues.

I’m very thankful for this fantastic guy in my life. And I believe that we will continue to live our lives together happily ever after. Haha. (But please don’t think that this is a fairy tale world we’re living in……) J

I hope this encourages those who have faced disappointments. Good relationships are possible, but the important thing is that you must first be ready. You must be ready to give, ready to support, ready to work at it, ready to be unselfish, and most importantly, ready to LOVE.

By A Blessed Gal

Love last long

My friend had wanted me to write anything about love and here is something that I would love to share with everyone.

My grandpa passed away a few weeks ago. He was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years back. Sometime I wonder what had gone wrong because people who smoked for years and years lived till very old age but my grandpa quit smoking for almost 50 yrs now yet, he was still diagnosed with lung cancer. Fair? I certainly doubt so. Anyway, life is so fragile, I can't say much.

When my grandpa was still alive, he and my grandma used to have a hobby. They love to take any buses to anywhere in Singapore (well, how big can Singapore be?). They can board the bus from AMK and sit until the next terminal. Along the way, they will just talk or just look at the road. They used to be our live directory. I find that the things that they do together kind of sweet because it is something that both of them enjoy as husband and wife. Of course, life is not always sweet. They have a lot of differences in their character and they argued a lot. Sometime I pity my grandma because she seems to be always the one to keep quiet and let my grandpa continue with his nonsense (It runs in my family where the men showed so much ego that the only thing that the women can do is shut up). Sometime when you see the topic of their argument, you will feel like scolding my grandpa for being so childish.

I only realised the reason for her being mum and be tolerant is because that she loved my grandpa too much. She rather she is the one taking all the bitterness. Only after my grandpa passed away than I realised how important it is to have someone there throughout your old age. Although my grandma missed my grandpa but the only thing that she could do now is to look at past photos, keeping my grandpa memories with her. It hurts to see your only partner left you like that. Eventhough there may be lots of arguments and anger, but that is something that they both do together. Now only left with my grandma alone. It simply hurt. There is a sweet saying that I heard from somewhere that if I love the person, I will let him/her die before me because it is more painful to stay alive alone. I truely understand that saying. My grandma is brave enough to let my grandpa die (she could not do much anyway). She has asked the mighty one out there to give him two more years to enjoy and the wish came true so she has no regret now letting him go.

Actually it make me real sad talking about it. I just wish that everyone of you out there who has a partner right now, treasure the memories that you have with him/her. Be content and just be loving....

By Anoymous

no title story

It was my first love…

When I was 20…

I got to know him from the net…

He just caught my attention right from the start… just because his birth date falls on the same day with the very first guy I like…

We started talking online… then on the phone…

Within a few days… we decided to meet up…

Love at first sight… by the end of the date… we were attached…

Our love was passionate.

We got intimate.

I’d always been fine with intimacy… but I had really wanted to keep my virginity or at least not gave it away so easily.

At the age of 20… to be honest… I didn’t quite know what sex is.

This is absolutely absurd right… given that kids nowadays know it better than a 20 year old…

So he took it away… without my consent..

He probably thought he didn’t need to ask… I didn’t know what he was doing until I felt strange…

I guess I became more vulnerable after I gave it to him…

I had really wanted to be with him… I was oblivious to the fact of our great educational gap.

I didn’t think it matter any way.

Yes, I was really naïve. I guess by now, it’s obvious.

3 weeks after we did it. He wanted a break-up.

He said he had never felt useless till he met me.

I was devastated.

How could I not?

I tried means and ways to keep him.

Including sex.

He rode along with it.

Which guy wouldn’t?

I further inflict pain on myself.

Things spiraled out of control.

By the end of the game, I was crying almost everyday.

I needed to be on depression pills for months.

It still remains as a scar till today.

A friend just reminded me.

I could let it remain as a scar or I could see it as an experience.

I met someone new again when I was 21…

But things didn’t really turn out well… although I guess I wish to fall in love all over again…

Who doesn’t like falling in love?

He said I was too defensive…

At the same time, there was another girl lurking in the background too…

I was strong-headed.

I thought, fine, these are not strong reasons to prove that you really do like me anyway.

Then….my private life went complete chaotic and downhill...

I wouldn’t much elaborate.

I would only say…

Unconventional ways of BGR… I’d probably tried them all…

I would pinpoint that to my very first break-up… after that devastating hurt…

I guess there is no need for anyone to waste their time to know in depth about my life story.

All I wanna say is…

I think what I’m going to say is downright anti-climax.

Sex education is absolutely essential and necessary.

And parents should never easily think that by providing food and financial support is sufficient enough to say that they’d fulfilled their responsibility as parents.

To be honest, I could probably somehow blame my parents for the way I am today.

Then again… I am the one who does not want to pick myself up again.

a december dream

this is my 4th relationship. not much for a 29 year old but given that my 2nd relationship lasted 4 years (my longest) and my first relationship started at the age of 16, i consider myself a newbie in love.

i met her at Queenway shopping centre. she was a friend's friend. she was there shopping for a pair of running shoes. i was there for dinner. i was charmed by her after the shopping trip. Maybe it was her looks, maybe it was her legs, maybe it was her girlish smile, but something drawn me to her....a lot. A short exchange of smses soon followed, and shortly we were studying together for our respective exams. Maybe it was fate or the timing of things, within two week we were together. I remembered the date was 28th of nov, i held her hands as we walked from her place's 7-11 to her home. she did not let go. later that night, she asked me what's our status, i said i don't know. by the end of our phone conversation we were attached.

i always remembered the 1st two week of our relationship. we talked about a possible future for both of us. we talked about how we could be the pillar of strenght for one another. we talked about how we could grown as a couple. we talked about how we wanted the relationship to last. we were in love.

things start to change after a while. she started remembering her past relationship. she had some issues which she couldn't let go off. sometimes, she would get very upset. she said she couldn't forget about her previous 4 1/2 years relatonship. she felt bad and unfair for me. i said i didn't mind. the more upset she got, the more i tried to be nice to her. stayed up late to make sure she's alright. show her more love. but i did not know that such affection would pressurized her instead. i did not know if you love a person too much, it could end up hurting your relationship.

the turning point came when i was leaving on holiday soon to somewhere with a friend. we were leaving on the 30th. our 1st month anniversary was on the 28th. she had an eye infection then. as a result, she couldn't meet up. i wanted so much to meet up with her...cos i would not be seeing her for 1 week. she couldn't get my point. she felt more pressurized. in the end, i went for my holiday. we did not meet.

we broke up on the same day when i came back. she said that she feel pressurized by me and she felt that she wasn't ready for a commitment. i could only feel my heart break.

they said when a woman wants to break up with you, there's million of reasons or excuses that she could come up with you. but you will never know the real reasons for the break up. they say, when a woman wants to break up with you, just let her go...which i did.

although i know it is not possible, but i still harbour thoughts of us together. maybe we were too rush into a relationship, maybe she wasn't ready, maybe we were both wrong. maybe...a lot of maybes...

i only hoped that one day she could let herself go, be free of all her issues and hopefully one day, she would remembered that a foolish man had loved her a lot once.

If december is a dream, i hope i never woke up from this deep slumber.

Ever since we broke up, i been thinking a lot of what happened during this 1 month. i realised that how immature and insecure i was. maybe it was my 1st relationship in quite a while. maybe it was because i really wanted to make sure this relationship works (she was really close to my "ideal girl"). if i had been more rational and "level - headed" in handling this relationship, maybe... just maybe... this relationship would have worked. I mean how would i really know i love this girl so much. we had only meet for less than a week. the attraction and liking were there. she was more mature than i am. i was not. i always thought i knew a lot about "love". i only now realised i knew only so little.

however, one thing always puzzled me. she said it was because of her nature of her job that she did not tell a lot of people about her relationship with me. was it really because of her job or was it because she din tell them because they were potential "maybes"? sadly , you would never find me in her life as the many few pictures that we had taken together were never displayed in either her facebook or friendster...maybe i was only just a halfway house for her....i guess i never know...if only we had communicated more...

by december dream 1140pm 5th jan 2008