[Acceptance]

I sit in the darken room. Adrian has just left me. This time will be for good. You don’t understand, they cannot accept you. The words rang in my ears. Do you? Do you Addy? Is it you who cannot accept me? I can’t get the answers because you don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t get the answers because you don’t want to be with me anymore. Do you Addy?

**

The sun shines brightly, the late night had left you oblivious to the strong rays. You barely stir in your sleep, as I watch over you. I feel like your guardian angel. Watching you sleep. Every breath you take in, I feel life within you, and every breath you exhale, I feel you within me. I reach out to touch your skin, to ruffle your hair. A soft sigh escapes your lips. You sleep peacefully. You’ve said your part the night before. Yet I can’t help but worry. I can’t sleep.

You told me that it was all a mistake; you came crying to me, telling me that you want this to work. Forgive me, forgive me for making such a hasty decision, I love you. Music to my ears. I was a fool. I believed you. I wanted this so bad. Inside, I know I will crumble without you. I wanted to reject you. I wanted to inflict the pain you caused me back to you. But I couldn’t. With open arms, I took you back in. Not only because of what you said. But because I needed you too.

**

Old faces scorn at us. They shake their heads in disapproval. You held on my hand tightly. We can do this together, you declare proudly. What matters is what you feel for me and how I feel for you. Friends tell me, they won’t accept you. A white girl and a yellow skinned boy. But I believed in you. You said time will wear down their doggedness. I cannot sacrifice my future for them, my future is with you, it is ours to achieve. I look back; I ridicule myself for being so foolish, because I believed in you.

I am an alien in this country. They will never accept me. But you did. You held me up when I was down. And you loved me. At least you said you did. Why did you have to lie?

**

The second time came, as suddenly as before. Like a murderer’s axe that swiftly went for his victim’s neck, there was no warning to what you did to me. I'm sorry, I cannot give up my family for you. My heart fell. The dreams shattered. Just the day before we were building dreams. It is only now then I realized that it was nothing but a screen of smoke. How can you bear to do this to me? My throat went dry, my limbs turned cold. It was final. Why? Why, Adrian? Why love me, leave me, then hurt me? Is love that cheap an object?

I start to lose my faith in love. It cannot withstand anything. His parents’ love is not great enough to accept me. And his love for me, I spat disdainfully, is nothing but poison. Seeping through my veins, slowly overpowering me, then wanting my life.

I cheapen myself in hope of something in return. I begged. Don’t walk away. Don’t. I pled. And I cried. You had a stone for your heart. I saw the unshed tears in your eyes. In Asia, it is important that a man’s tears are shed only for his country, you once told me. But now you’ve given up the kingdom we had. You have given up the Queen you once fought valiantly for. Yet, you do not allow any drop of tear to betray the confusion you feel. Please, think it through, I begged without shame. You shook your head. You don’t understand, they cannot accept you.

**

Months went by. I feel like I’ve been trapped underwater. I move with no sense of urgency. I finally feel strong enough to face the unfriendly faces outside. I wait for a bus. Like a lost soul waiting to be picked up. The cool breeze kisses my cheek. A sight beholds me. Suddenly my eyes water again. At the corner of my eye, I see Adrian. I want to call out to him. Someone beats me to it. She has the same black hair, the same yellow skin. So this is what they mean by acceptance. Possessed, my eyes follow the couple till they were as small as a grain of sand, till my eyes could no longer hold back the tears.

**

I just wanted to say that you are the first to do this to me. To put me through this torture. And I don’t deserve it.

m.eng